A Crisis of Identity

Conceived in Belize, born in Kenya, raised in Namibia, British passport, in love with an American and lived there for the last ten years and most importantly my child is American, South African mother and British Father. I have in my blood, Irish, English, German, Malaysian, and Hottentot. With all of these names and places to define who I am I have ended up being none.

Growing up in Namibia I was never Namibian because I was not born there and my passport was British, I was reminded of this by people who liked to tease me but I chose to be Namibian in spite of the passport and in spite of the birth. It was the place I was, so how could I be anything but? If I chose one of the others I would always be yearning to leave and never be home. And so, emotionally, I clawed my way into a place where I stood up and claimed the dunes and the cold sea and the sun and the winter wind and made them into the things I loved and longed for.

Then I went to England, and Cape Town and America and always I wished to be back in Namibia, back where I belonged and back home. But now over time the balance has shifted. Many people I knew have moved away, the country has moved on and I have not been there to keep up. My accent has changed, and so has my perspective and those left behind take every pleasure in reminding me of it all. If I ever was Namibian, I can no longer claim to be so.

So now in my soul is a space, a place where who and what I am is blank but also like a puzzle just dumped out of its box. It isn't something that should be so and I must decide. Shall I fill it with everything or will I be able to finally belong to somewhere and some identity alone. Some place that will make me feel like I am home and I will always be home?

Tomorrow, I am going to Nakuru, place of my birth. I hope to stop at places that my parents and grandparents lived and worked, places I visited as a small child. I hope to fill in one more piece of who I am and make clear some of the confusion and loneliness I feel, at least by givng images to stories and places I have heard of throughout my life.