Dear Emma January first, 2013

Dear Emma, As long as your Dad and I have been together he has loved to sing the Puff the Magic Dragon song and it has made me cry. I feel so heartbroken for Puff when his boy leaves him so alone and he retreats to his cave. Your Dad has always enjoyed teasing me at how emotional I become but none the less does not sing the song while I am around. And so you have come to be three years old and heard the song perhaps once or twice. Looking for Christmas presents for your Dad in the bookstore I came across a lovely board book telling Puff's story. In this one, the last two pages where they repeat the chorus, Jackie Paper returns as an adult and brings his daughter with him. What a wonderful idea! At last Puff will have another friend. And this little girl will one day bring her children to find the lonely dragon too! We opened the book on Christmas day but it wasn't until Sunday night that we read it to you. You lay on your back between us on our bed and when Jack left, you got teary! I swear I have never said anything about it in front of you. You became sad for just the same reason that I always did! You and I had to talk and talk through the pictures of Jack bringing his daughter and you still were not resolved that the story wasn't too sad. Your Dad made up two new verses describing Puff and the girl's joy at finding one another. Now it is a story, book and song that makes us happy instead of sad. Hugs Your Mom

America, the beautiful

I kept humming this to myself when we first arrived back in the States and I can't help but think it even more now the Fall has arrived. Fall, what a perfect plum of a word, plopping from your mouth like a big piece of caramel apple. Toward the end of the Summer, Emma and I picked a few cooler mornings to go and pick berries. Her punnet never had any in them as she ate as many as she picked. Then she came after the ones I had picked til her fingers and lips were raspberry coloured. It felt more decadent than chocolate, cake or ice-cream to just pop the raspberries, strawberries, blueberries and cherries of the late season into your mouth whenever you felt like it. I keep buying the strawberries from the shop because I am not ready to stop eating them. In an effort to move onto the Fall seasonal fruit, Emma and I decided to go apple picking this morning. We went out to the farm and it turned out they were having a fall festival. We fed the goats and the three little pigs. Emma said hello to Dorothy, Toto and the Tinman scarecrows. We chased each other around and around the dark straw-bale maze. Then we went on a wagon ride in a bed of straw to the pumpkin patch. It was so fun to pick out two pumpkins and load them in our bag, all the while exclaiming how excited Dad was going to be about our pumpkins. Once we were back in the car and on our way home, Emma shouted from the backseat; "What about the apples?!"

Dear Emma 30th September 2012

Dear Emma, Tonight I lay with you to help you fall asleep. The room smelled of the vicks we put on your chest to help you with your second cold of the school year. We could hear the puttering Autumn rain on the roof outside. I felt your chest start to move in slow even breaths and then into the darkness you said; "Mommy, you are my best friend, ever, ever." Hugs Your Mom.

Dear Emma 20th September 2012

Dear Emma, Today we brought Glynis and Gpa your Gruffalo books and Glynis read them to you on the couch with Gpa looking on. Gpa fetched the Gruffalo doll they had brought for you and had him peek over the books just as the mouse runs into the Gruffalo in the book. Your eyes were shining and you had to explore him to make sure he had orange eyes, a black tongue and purple prickles. Hugs Your Mom

Dear Emma 17 June 2012

Dear Emma, Tonight in your sleep you rolled over and complained that you were just making your bottle for your baby. Granny and I laughed together at how adorable you were. At the lunch table with Granny, Stoney and Aunty Becca, you asked to sing "be unbroken". We all held hands and you and I sang it together with me prompting you on the words. I thought you were very sweet but when I turned around Granny had tears in her eyes. Later Aunty Becca suggested we all have a race to Granny's gate. You loved the idea and got in line with us and we started running together. Aunty Becca and I calling to you encouragingly to keep you running. Then Uncle Stoney grabbed you from behind and laughing just carried you faster than Becca and I could keep up with. Hugs Your Mom.

Dear Emma 15 June 2012

Dear Emma, Today as I look at you sleeping I love you so much I want to explode into a million tiny kisses and hold you so close you will always feel the warmth of my wonder at sharing my life with you. Hugs, Your Mom

Dear Emma 27th May 2012

Dear Emma, This evening Aunty Caitlin came to listen to a story at bedtime. When the story was finished she wanted a kiss. You wouldn't give her one so she snugged you and covered your face with kisses. When you were done brushing your teeth you knocked on her bedroom door yelling goodnight. She opened her door and you ran into her arms and gave her a big hug. Then you gave her a damp kiss on the cheek and she gave you one back. When she was small and I came back from the UK or wherever she used to give me the best greetings. They are some of my best memories. I loved her small strong arms telling me how much she loved me. Hugs, Your Mom.

Dear Emma 28th May 2012

Dear Emma, Today you thought it was hilarious when I tried to feel your teeth. Is it possible that you are ticklish inside your mouth as well as in your ears? You funny, funny kid. I love you so much. Hugs, Your Mom.

Dear Emma 13 May 2012

I have decided to write short vignettes to Emma that she can read later. Just little things about her life and what she does each day that makes us laugh, cry and love her too much. SO here goes. Dear Emma, Today you didn't want to get out of the car. When your Dad took you out of the car you cried and started to crawl back to the car, crying all the time. When you realised how muddy it was you crawled back towards the porch and put on your pink hello kitty gumboots and then crawled out again. Then you came and stood at the front door and cried and cried. Nothing we did consoled you so we gave up, figuring you to be just plain cranky. I put an episode of Peppa pig on and you stopped crying, peered through the bars of the stair rails and into the lounge and watched from the doorway. When it stopped, you started crying again. I put on the Jungle Book and you came and sat on my lap and I held you and wiped away your tears. You call him Pappa Bear and Balloo can always make you happy. Even when I can't. Later this evening you were sitting with Aunty Di on the couch. She was telling me about a lion she saw with your dad and she said to me, she was Buff, Dude. You piped up - what is buff dude? In your sweet and funny voice and we all laughed. Love Mom

it's the little things

There are things about our lives here that we'll never have anywhere else.

My oven has only two settings: on and off. Also, one of the stove top buttons shoots off across the kitchen floor when the oven is preheated.

I have seen the following on motorcycles(not including the drivers of the motorbikes):
A three seater couch
A cow
Five children in school uniform (yes - that makes a total of 6 people on a bike)
A half dozen six foot two by fours
A rain water barrel the size of two bathtubs
A bathtub

Diarrhea meds with ingredients banned decades ago by the FDA and costing 50c

Invasions of flying, black crickets who can't navigate in the air

Restaurants with four dogs who put their heads in your lap while you are eating and a cat who wanders across the table.

Trucks where you can see all four wheels because the axles are so damaged the truck drives sideways towards you.

Speed-bumps are built exclusively by women. There is no explanation for this, it apparently "just is".

Obstacles to driving which include: cows; camels; sheep; goats; bicycles; motorbikes; trucks driving sideways; people; giraffes; donkey carts; trucks which can't make it up hills. Frequently all of the above will be on the same piece of road.

Class board follow up

Here is Em's board as they have worked on it further. It is just lovely how each day the teacher talks through the board and the children enthusiastically discuss and point and name all the points on it.

Valentines Preview

We lie on the bed, my toes touching his
and our arms touching across the pillows.
We make a heart shape in which she is
snoring softly, head against his chest
and feet tucked into my armpit.
Saturday nap bliss.

A day all about the babies

Today we drove out to a friend's house for a pancake breakfast (with chocolate chips!) She lives on Elkorama which is a farm adjacent to Mpala so it is always quite a drive, but we often get lucky and see some wildlife.

Our first sighting were some lovely Giraffes, a male, a female and a baby who only just came up to his Mom's tummy. Not a great photo as I only thought to get the camera out when they were moving away from us.



Then as we were coming up to the house we stopped for some ellies and quickly realised that one of them was not much bigger than Emma! Well... maybe a little bigger, but SO cute. He was with two other elephants, a large and a medium sized. He was horsing around with the medium sized one and she was doing her best to ignore him. I decided she had to be his older sister.



I liked this pic that K took of us watching the ellies, not just because it is Emma watching elephants but also because my hair looks awesome.

Soon after we arrived L told us that one of her guides had found the cubs of the leopard who has been eating the rock hyraxes from outside her house. As an aside here, the hyraxes climb into her engine block to hide from the female leopard. A fact that just tickles me for some reason. The girls climbed into the car and K stayed back to tend the bacon and Emma. We drove almost to the border of Mpala ranch, and then drove some more into the bush and off the road, watching out for thorn branches whacking into the car. Then we parked and walked down a hill and back up the next and up onto a kopje. (Rock outcropping with ubiquitous fig tree growing on top.)


Now during this little walk I was becoming uncomfortably aware of a number of things.
a) I did not bring my hat and I was definitely wearing town shoes.
b) Where there are baby leopards there is a mother.
c) I have previously had a close encounter with a leopard and didn't like it.
d) The bush around us was getting thicker and harder to see through.
e) I was the last person in the line of people walking towards the kopje.

Thankfully we arrived as this somewhat horrifying list appeared in my mind. We hung back while one of the guides hopped up into the rocks to check for the adult leopard. I was glad not to have his job. Then we clambered through the grass and came upon a large rock wedged between two others making a sandy bottomed cave beneath them. Initially I had a bad angle and this is all I could see.

Then I moved around to the top of the rocks, casting about with a wary eye for a cross mommy and got a look at the babies. Oh how lovely! Bundles of fur, confused and squirming, not looking at us and with dark spots and squashed faces! There were three but I only saw the two. I was completely enchanted for a few moments just looking at these tiny helpless creatures and imagining the graceful predatory lives ahead of them. Then one of the few swahili words I understand made it into my consciousness. Mzea. Wait, isn't that like, Daddy? Or Man? or possibly Big Man? Turns out the guides had seen a male leopard hanging around that morning as well as the female. My reptilian brain began to chitter in the back of my head in quite a severe way and I was more than happy to traipse off into the bush again. Leaving the cubs snuggled together in the shade and dust.




I have also added this blurred one as a demonstration of my hands shaking after the mention of Mzea.

And here we are again...

Day zero of chocolate free household:
- Notice that noticeably less of feet are showing beneath belly. Not pregnant, so not a good sign.
- Also notice that belly no longer goes away when flat on back. See point above re pregnancy.
- Decide to have a chocolate free home.
- Walk resolutely past chocolate aisle with no signs of weakness in grocery store.

Day one of chocolate free household:
- Morning, no problem!
- Afternoon, discover unexpected boon of half a bounty bar in bedside table. A little old with a few ants but who cares!

Day two of chocolate free household:
- Can we still call it day two if chocolate was consumed on day one? Confident head nod. Yes!

Day three of chocolate free household:
- Nutella by the spoon, use plastic spatula to get remnants from jar. Search rest of pantry for more.

Day four of chocolate free household:
- Eat the following snacks post dinner;
small amount of old ice-cream, mango flavour. (It's like eating fruit.)
ginger cookies
popcorn
cup hot milo

Day five of chocolate free household:
- Gibbering wreck by lunch. Cursing fact that car is in shop, consider walking to find chocolate.
- Question husband intensely as to whether he may have some hidden in his office.
- Consider baking chocolate cake.
- Instead, surf cooking websites to look at pictures of brownies. Promise myself to one day make these:
http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/2012/02/02/simple-super-bowl-sunday-dessert-mini-peanut-butter-brownies/

We'll see what day six brings. I'm rooting for acceptance and closing my belt.

Fun at school

I have been so impressed with Emma's teachers, even though the kids are only 18 mo to two and a half the teachers really go all out with planning a theme for the year and setting all the activities around it. This term there Miss Anne pitched a tent in their classroom as the theme is: "Let's go camping!". I mean, literally pitched a tent!! They have also put together this amazing board. Each week they read a poem from a book and then do a painting activity around it. So the children painted the background and the sky and then piece by piece the teacher has filled in exciting things on the board and puts a photo with each piece so the children know which is theirs. Emma's is the leading elephant.

Blue pancakes for breakfast!

Snugs

I want desperately to remember and hold close moments with Emma. I want to always feel her skinny arms holding on to my neck so tightly that her shoulder is against my windpipe. I want my arms to always have the feeling of being wrapped around her, and how small she is and yet how solid and strong her body is. I want forever the feeling of the back of her head with it's matted hair that fits into my hand. I want to remember the coldness of her wet tears on my neck and the feeling of her hard little nose rubbing the snot off onto my shirt. But most of all I want to remember how it was she who came to me and how she didn't want to let go, but wanted me to hold her and hold her and hold her.

Nakuru National Park

K's folks came to visit and we had them on a whirlwind trip trying to see as much of possible of Kenya to get a flavour for the country. Emma and I mostly stayed at home to try and keep her routine as simple as possible while K acted as guide and chauffeur. Em and I did go with them to Nakuru National Park.

It is a small park compared to others I have traveled in, from any point in the park you can look down towards the lake and up towards a hill, or cliff side. On most of the hilltops you can see evidence of human habitation. Either rows of crops or twinkling metal rooftops. In the two nights we were there the park was most spectacular at first light. The air was cool and fresh but not cold, and the dust was still settled from the dew. When you looked up at the hills there were parts illuminated and coloured by the early sun, and parts so completely in shadow it must still have been night there. But it was looking down at the lake that made you hold your breath and try to take a photo with your mind. The fever trees stood at the lake's edge, so tall with bright green trunks and the table top canopies. Between their trunks there were glimpses of white and you could just make out birds on the glimmering water. The mist covered the lake and steamed up into the air, reaching towards the sun and hiding the far shoreline.

My two most exciting moments in the park came on our way out. The first was driving along the shoreline with standing water on either side of us. We marveled at the numerous birds, zebra, gazelle and buffalo on either side of us, wading into the water to drink. As we were moving along the road a monolithic creature made us stop. A white rhino, paused on the side of the road, waiting to see what we would do. When we just sat in the car watching him in amazement, he decided to go ahead and cross the road. In the middle of the road he decided he didn't like the look of us and lowered his head to stare at our car over his long and very pointed horns. K gently reversed down the road to indicate that we were well aware of our submissive status and the rhino continued across the road, then splashed down alongside the car, taking a sip of water now and then. When he faced us, he was almost as wide as the car, and when alongside, almost as long. I really felt that we were looking at a dinosaur. Armour plated and heavy, ready to defend himself or attack, whichever he chose.

The second exciting moment came when we were almost to the gate. Looking through the trees and out onto a plain we could see that multiple herds of gazelle and buffalo were moving along, pausing now and then but then moving faster. We were sure there must be something pushing them along, just waiting to choose prey but we couldn't see what had to be lions. Then we rounded a corner and came upon four lions reclining in a partially fallen tree. They were young adults, grown but still spotted and striped. Some were completely relaxed with giant paws dangling off the tree and one couldn't find a good spot and moved along the trunk, stretching, yawning and generally showing himself to best advantage. As we watched an older female came and lay under the tree. Clearly keeping an eye on the youngsters while the rest of the pride rustled up some lunch.

Whoah Slug!

Biggest slug I have ever seen in my life. Emma was less afraid than I was. EW.

Masochism, but in a pretty place

So I feel that I just have to share my most recent physical exercise triumph. One of the Dad's at Emma's school is a personal trainer and he does his training on school grounds. In Em's first week one of the Moms was standing in the school yard, "naming and shaming" as she called it for people who should be doing "bootcamp".

Now yes - this is an army town, we have a British Army base here as well as a Kenyan one but still - bootcamp? Pulease!

At least that was my thought. But here is the thing. I am NO good at peer pressure. Standing at a new Mom's meet old Mom's coffee and eating large amounts of sticky iced chocolate cake while self-congratulating other Mom's told me how hard they had just worked and how they deserved the cake, I found myself crumbling, much like the cake in my mouth, and nodding my head vigorously at their comments. (Maybe if I nod hard enough I will work off the chocolate calories and not have to actually, ugh, exercise.)

On top of this my closest friend here keeps sending me damn texts about how she went for a run this evening. YES - you KNOW who you are. THEN, you know the pair of jeans you can always fit into, even when you are in the throes of PMS? Well the button was a challenge. I blame Nutella.

So anyway, I strong-armed Keir into accompanying me. Misery loves company. And we went to a bootcamp session called "get tyred" because you use tractor and car tyres for this particular kind of torture. We literally had to squat and lift and flip TRACTOR TYRES! They are heavy! And they smell! This was a Thursday. On Saturday we went to D's and she lives on the fourth floor with no lift. It took Emma and I 40 minutes to climb, thankfully Emma believes in taking breaks when tackling D's steps. I couldn't pee cos I couldn't sit, and then when I did I had to stay there and take advantage of being down because I couldn't get up again. Squats, with tyres! Oh and did I mention lunges? All kinds. Wanna make me cry? Say to me: "split lunges for 30."

I walked like a geriatric cowboy 'til Tuesday. Then I felt pretty good for two days and went back. Then I went on Tuesday. Today I thought - hey, maybe if I go again only two days after, the punishment will work out Tuesday's kinks? Wrong again chum. New kinks and I have decided water and wine and juice are all overrated. As is peeing.

Oh and the pretty place? We face Mt. Kenya while doing bootcamp. It is a beautiful mountain, often with rain and mist swirling around it. Sometimes cursing and spitting at it is the only thing that gets me through the jump lunges.